From halfway around the globe...

What it's like to be gay ... in Taiwan

-I just found an article that said 75% of the Taiwanese adult population considered gay relationships to be acceptable. That was in 2006. (Taiwan gay rights group to host lesbian weddings)

-Taiwan is one of the most gay friendly places. Homosexuality is legal.

Surprising! They even have a group for parents to help other parents come out (and accept their gay children). I’m surprised because the vibe that I get when I visit Taiwan is that the older adult population are either oblivious to gay culture or gay people, or are too traditional to accept it (so they just choose not to acknowledge it). I visit Taiwan about once a year, and each time I go back, I see more and more young people that are comfortable being out and about in public. They are at popular hangout spots like Ximending, various night markets throughout Taipei, around Universities, and everyday public spaces that you would normally expect to see young people.

I understand that Taiwanese culture, unlike American culture, does not have the “personal bubble” concept that Americans are accustomed to. School children are often seen holding hands or linking arms in both genders. This type of friendly schoolmate behavior continues throughout adolescence and is seen as a sign of closeness, not relationship/dating type of intimacy. I remember when I visited Taiwan as a child, I asked my mother,

“Why does everybody hold hands here? How come the girls hold hands and the boys are very huggy and affectionate towards each other?”

My mother simply replied, “They’re just close. That’s what school kids do here. You link arms with your best friend. You share bike seats with your buddy. That’s the culture. It doesn’t mean they like each other like boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Oh. Is that all. BUT, how do you know that??? What if they DO like each other like boyfriend/girlfriend? ….Wow….I kind of wish I grew up here. I’d get to be close to a girl classmate I like, and nobody would know I had feelings for her. Huh!

Besides the different social aspect in growing up with different acceptable schoolchildren behavior… It has become more clear to me that the traditional Chinese parent, and perhaps Taiwanese parents specifically, are more accepting of seeing a new generation of young, gay children. On my next upcoming visit to the beautiful Formosa island, I will try to investigate first-hand what parents actually think about growing up gay. Seeing gay students in public, facing the circumstance if their child came out to them as a gay son or lesbian daughter, or bisexual, or …etc etc… I am curious how this parent group came to be, how the first accepting mom of a gay child, or father of a gay child, came to convince others and step out of the closet themselves and not just accept their child for who they are, but HOW they found the courage to stand up to others and the public and why everybody should be just as accepting as them. That would be a great conversation to have, and I’ll definitely share with you the findings of my research.

How different. What a completely different world this is. Maybe there are some aspects of Taiwan that are more progressive than the U.S.? And I always thought USA was #1 in everything……

….perhaps this time it’s USA that should learn from this small island called TAIWAN.

Resource for coming out to Asian Parents

I recommend getting the book, 親愛的爸媽, 我是同志 (Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experience). Unfortunately it is printed in Chinese, but it's great if you have Chinese parents or can read some Chinese yourself:

This book helped me a lot when I came out to my Chinese parents. Mind you, my Dad is one of the most traditional fathers there are when it comes to Chinese culture. My parents grew up in Taiwan, and I grew up in California. Although both my parents have been living in the U.S. for more than 25 years now, it's still difficult for them to accept that their own child is gay (Lesbian to be specific). 


Anyway, this book helped me a lot, maybe more than my parents. It just made me feel like I'm not alone. So many stories about how other people around the world are just like me, and faced with the exact same situation. I read about how parents react, and this is from every imaginable possibility. I read about how everyone has their own method and timing of coming out. So if you can read Chinese, get it. It helps! If anything, it just helps you feel like you are not alone :) and that's comforting.


I read this book before I came out and it gave me strength and encouragement that everyone can do it, and it's such a relief. Liberation. The weight of a mountain lifted off your shoulders. A secret you no longer have to bear. A lifelong burden.....gone. I wanted that relief. I wanted that liberation so bad that when the moment came, I did it. I just ... in that moment decided to come out to my parents. Had I not been introduced to this book, I don't know if I would have found the strength and courage to tell my parents who I truly was...because you know what, It's scary as hell to think that if your parents knew who you really were, that they wouldn't love you anymore. That you'd somehow let them down. A disappointment. An un-filial child. Worst of all, hearing the most feared words from your father or mother that ...

"You are not my child anymore." 

What could be more awful than that??


So.....You'll have to keep reading to find out about HOW and WHEN I made the decision to come out to my mother.

coming out to siblings

i dont remember how we got on the subject, but i remember my brother and i talking about the issue of two girls kissing. Either we just finished watching a movie about it or something that had a scene of two girls kissing on screen. Of course, him being the stereotypical guy, he thought it was hot for two girls to be making out. I asked him what he thought about two guys kissing, and he said the idea didn't make him feel comfortable. I then asked him: 

"And what if I told you I was gay?"

 He replied "Nah, don't be joking around. I know you are not, so it doesnt matter." 


Then I asked him again, "..but what if I am?"

 "But I know you're not...wait, really?"

 I just keep looking at him with a plain expression, and simply told him in a matter-of-fact tone: 

"Yes, I am."    

After a couple of minutes pass, he comes back to my room and tells me:

"...uhh,... actually, I think its fine that you are a Lesbian. Its cool, you can love anybody you choose, as long as you are happy."

:)  I'm lucky to have such a supportive brother.

Take your mother's advice...and meet a girl???

You ever have those periods of time when you just give up on meeting someone? You know the feeling, after you've tried online dating, going out to clubs with friends, and even crushing on the cutest straight girl around you? Well let me tell you, after a couple months of trying, I decided to take my mother's advice:

"You're a good catch! Don't try so hard to meet someone, let them come to you!"

Hmmm, ok. Next thing you know, I attend my friends birthday party in San Francisco, and after a night of clubbing, I met someone. Or rather, someone found me!


The story is quite interesting really, because our huge 3 person birthday bash took up a good portion of the dance floor. So it's fair to say, any interested singles would have to be pretty brave to breach our massive group and approach one of us. OK, so my group of say 20 some friends, mostly Asians, are grabbing drinks and dancing it up in the middle of the club, and one of my buddies taps me on the shoulder. He's one of the bday boys, so he's already drunk, and he says to me:

"Dude, that girl over there is totally your type. And it looks like she's alone, you should totally go talk to her!"

Being the sober designated driver, and not that desperate anymore, I say "Oh, she looks really cute but I'm not desperate." This is when another buddy walks over and says in my ear, "Hey, what's the deal here. You interested in her? Yea? OK, lemme handle this. I got you covered." And, the next thing I know, they're bringing this girl over to our group and introducing her to me. Mind you, I believe she already had a couple drinks. So we introduce each other, I find out she's a student here from Korea, studying engineering as a graduate student. *I perk up immediately* This girl is really smart, and really intelligent, and she's a foreigner. She's got my attention; i'm totally intrigued now. (Intelligence is one of the most attractive features to me) When I came back from buying a round of drinks with everyone, my buddy has been talking her up for like 10 minutes. So, I figure, oh maybe she's into the cute girl, eh ok, she can have her. 


As I'm turning around to see how the conversation is going, the cute (and slightly drunk) girl has approached me. She's giving me the signal, this stare, like "I can't look away from you, deep in your eyes" stare, and she's walking closer and closer to me. The distance between us is getting smaller, and she just about takes me by surprise. YuP! She kissed me. I must admit, it had been awhile since I was in a relationship that I forgot what it felt like to kiss someone. It felt goood. 


We ended up making out the whole night in the club, and that's how I met my girlfriend. 


What my buddy was really doing while I went to buy a round of drinks was saying things like "Yea, my friend over there, she's totally into you. She thinks you're really cute! You're just her type. Are you here by yourself? What do you do? ......" 


SO HERE'S MY ADVICE: If you ever meet a girl you want to get to know better, have one of your buddies be the cupid and start building up a great introduction about yourself and test out the waters for you. And if you're really bold and gutsy, go for the glory and go up and talk to the girl (or guy) yourself! What's the worse that can happen, she/he'll just say no. So if you don't ask, you'll already be getting a NO answer anyway, so just do it!


Oh yea, and in the end, taking my mother's advice was the best advice about dating I ever got. So here it is again: Don't go search and looking for someone or worse, "the one", but rather let them come to you. Sometimes it's when you least expect it that love finds its way to you. Who would've known?!

The Fear of Coming Out of the Closet

4 a.m. - Graduation Day


I remember the day before college graduation was a horrific experience. Why? Think of the scenario: parents are visiting, siblings are visiting, and some relatives. Most importantly, this was the thought that was running through my head:

"WHAT IF THEY FOUND OUT I WAS GAY?"

Then came the flooded possibilities of the different scenarios that would follow: What if they disowned me? What if they refuse to acknowledge they ever had me as a daughter? Or worse, what if they think i'm some sort of monster or that being gay is just a disease? All these fears kept circling in my head that I eventually broke down. I couldn't sleep. I was fearful and crying. What did I do? I called up my best gay buddy to seek some comfort.


Being the considerate person that I am, I at least waited for the sun to come out before I called him up. So, after I'm freaking out and crying to him over the phone, I go over to his house and he calms me down. For confidentiality reasons, let's call him Peter. So Peter calms me down and reminds me that it's not the end of the world. I have done my research and I am prepared for anything that may happen. Peter is also the President of Asian Pacific Islander Queers (APIQ) - the student club on campus for asians and queers. After I've got a grip on myself and stopped crying, I realized it will be okay. He's right, how would my family know I am gay? By seeing something in my room that would indicate this? Mind you, at this time I was not in a relationship, so I didn't have any incriminating photos lying around.


The feeling of being so scared, so helpless, and utterly fragile started to slip away. My confidence started to come back to me, and reminding myself of everything I learned about what it means to be gay. Sexuality is fluid. I am still trying to figure it out. I am still the same person my family knows and loves, just the idea that I may be attracted to another person of the same gender is different. However, that does not change who I am. I started to collect myself and the reminder that I have this great book, "Dear Mom and Dad, I am Gay" (except in Chinese) is also a great relief that I have solid material to give them, a book of stories of all parents who found out their children were gay and how they have dealt with it.


You never have to feel pressured to identify yourself is either one or another. Remember,

Sexuality is Fluid.

Denial

Ever since I can remember, I knew I was gay. Or technically speaking, a Lesbian. This has been my deepest and darkest secret my whole life. My earliest memories of liking girls went as far back as preschool. I still have pictures from birthday parties of the girl I always invited over for cake, always played with on the playground, and yes, secretly had a crush on. 


I remember on the playground, I would always pretend to be superman, and I would be rescuing "her" from evil villains. C'mon, I had to be superman. Especially since this was my favorite childhood superhero (I had all four tapes at home). Her name was Jennifer.


In kindergarden, I had to start over with a whole new class of kids I didn't know. I don't remember much from my kinder years, but I do know I liked this other girl. Her name was Sarah. The funniest thing was I remember confronting her, at the age of 6!!! Can you believe that? Luckily, I don't think she understood what I was telling her. Here's what I remember from the conversation:


(six year old Me): Hi Sarah, I have something to tell you.
Sarah: Ok. What is it?
(six year old Me): (BIG GULP) ....I .... I..... I like you. 
        *and I give her a heart shaped shiny sticker I found.*


I don't remember what happened after that. But she was still my friend. 


That was the beginning when I first knew that I liked girls.