I remember the day before college graduation was a horrific experience. Why? Think of the scenario: parents are visiting, siblings are visiting, and some relatives. Most importantly, this was the thought that was running through my head:
"WHAT IF THEY FOUND OUT I WAS GAY?"Then came the flooded possibilities of the different scenarios that would follow: What if they disowned me? What if they refuse to acknowledge they ever had me as a daughter? Or worse, what if they think i'm some sort of monster or that being gay is just a disease? All these fears kept circling in my head that I eventually broke down. I couldn't sleep. I was fearful and crying. What did I do? I called up my best gay buddy to seek some comfort.
Being the considerate person that I am, I at least waited for the sun to come out before I called him up. So, after I'm freaking out and crying to him over the phone, I go over to his house and he calms me down. For confidentiality reasons, let's call him Peter. So Peter calms me down and reminds me that it's not the end of the world. I have done my research and I am prepared for anything that may happen. Peter is also the President of Asian Pacific Islander Queers (APIQ) - the student club on campus for asians and queers. After I've got a grip on myself and stopped crying, I realized it will be okay. He's right, how would my family know I am gay? By seeing something in my room that would indicate this? Mind you, at this time I was not in a relationship, so I didn't have any incriminating photos lying around.
The feeling of being so scared, so helpless, and utterly fragile started to slip away. My confidence started to come back to me, and reminding myself of everything I learned about what it means to be gay. Sexuality is fluid. I am still trying to figure it out. I am still the same person my family knows and loves, just the idea that I may be attracted to another person of the same gender is different. However, that does not change who I am. I started to collect myself and the reminder that I have this great book, "Dear Mom and Dad, I am Gay" (except in Chinese) is also a great relief that I have solid material to give them, a book of stories of all parents who found out their children were gay and how they have dealt with it.
You never have to feel pressured to identify yourself is either one or another. Remember,
Sexuality is Fluid.
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