I thought I was the only gay asian person.
I didn't know anybody else that was Chinese AND gay.
I knew I could never tell her that I liked her...because she'd never return the feelings.
Freshman year. High School. Hormones. Teenage angst. It's a hard time to be a teenager, the first child in a demanding Chinese family with the pressure and expectation of attending top tier colleges, and maintain extraordinarily unique extra-curricular activities on your resume, AND just to keep it interesting...be gay too.
In junior high and parts of high school, the last thing you want to do is stand out. Everybody is so self-conscious about everything that it would be the death of a teenager if someone found out you were different. If a rumor about someone having an eating disorder could go on for weeks, what would they say if they found out somebody was gay, a lesbian, a bisexual?? Trans?? Terrifying!
These are all thoughts that I (probably) had running through my head. My memory can play tricks on me, but i'm sure this was around the ballpark of what I was thinking. You know, my deepest, darkest secret and fear has always been this: being different...NOT being the "perfect" daughter for my parents...NOT being able to be like everyone else....and NOT being able to share who you really have a crush on...and things like that. It's tough. Life is tough.
But just remember this:
"It gets better." (Just like the 'it gets better' project)
Honestly, it does. When I was 14, I probably wouldn't have believed it, or ever thought I would ever one day come out to my parents, but I did. And you know what? It's not that bad. I know I am very lucky to have the parents that I do to accept who I am, but it also took some time. Definitely didn't happen overnight.
This post is for all those teenagers out there who feel like they're trapped in their world, in their life, in their current situation forever. And I hope this can find even just one teenager out there to give them hope that life does get better. Even though it may not seem like it right now, but trust me, people change, times change, and your life can change too. Don't give up hope. Hey, "where there's a will, there's a way." (Dang I'm using a lot of metaphors in this post) ...and keep on smiling. Life DOES gets better :)
Hello :)
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog and I am so happy to find that you're Taiwanese and gay too :( Im 17 and actually in the process of accepting who I am. I've decided that I am gonna come out to my parents if I get a girlfriend, or when I can become independent after finishing 5 years of med school. To be honest, I am really scared about coming out to my parents (Ive only come out to my brother, and I dont think he took it very seriously ><"). My mum knows i dont want to get married in the future, but she has no clue that I dont want to marry a "guy" but a girl :) Anyways, thanks for your blog! Helps a lot^^
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. It's only been a couple of days since my whole shitstorm with my parents started, but it's already been so hard and I don't think I'd have made it this far sane without my friend, and I'm really, really relieved to have found your blog. I'm sixteen and yes, you've managed to reach out to a teenager tonight so thank you, thank you so much. I'm looking for hope to hang on to now and this makes up some of it. Thank you.